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Fredagshumor: Scouse-vitser

En ny feature på UnitedNorge blir fredagshumor. I jomfruinnlegget lar vi det selvsagt gå utover Scouserne… God helg!

Scousers og elskov

An Italian, a Frenchman and a Scouser are discussing their relative performance in bed.

The Italian: «When I’ve a finshed a makin da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy»

The Frenchman: «Zat is nossing, when Ah ‘ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy»

The Scouser: «Dat’s nothin, when I’ve finished shaggin me bird, I get out of bed, walk over to da winda and wipe my knob clean on da curtains. She hits the fuckin’ roof !!!»

Scousere og øl

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke – 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He’s having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: «Do you want a blow job?» he whispers.

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer.

«I’ve never seen you react like that» he says. «Just what did he say to you?»
«I’m not sure» the big scouser replies. «Something about a job.»

Scousere og IQ

Benitez wanted to know why Ferguson was getting such great performances from his players and came up to Old Trafford for a visit.

He asked Ferguson, who replied «I ask them tricky questions to keep them on their toes». «Like what?» asked Benitez.

Ferguson called Gary Neville over and asked him, «Gaz, he is not your brother but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?» Neville replies immediately, «That’s easy boss, it’s ME!».

Benitez looks enlightened and returns to small time land. The next day at training he decides to try some of Ferguson’s complex methods for himself. He calls Steven Gerrard over and asks him, «Steven, think carefully about dis: He is not your brother, but he is still your father’s son. Who is he?».

Gerrard replies «That’s a difficult one boss, can I think about it overnight?» «Yes, of course» says Benitez and lets him go.

Next morning at training Gerrard looks worried after a sleepless and stressful night. He asks that great continental mind Dirk Kuyt what he thinks the answer might be. «This is simple Steven, the answer is ME».

Mightily relieved, Gerrard strides confidently to the gaffers office. «Goode morning, Steven», says Benitez, «So.. the question.. are you confident about the answer or not?» «Yes» replies Gerrard, «the answer is Dirk Kuyt». «Oh, don’t be so fucking mindless!» retorts Benitez, «It’s Gary Neville, you stupid bastard!»

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Om skribenten: Haakon

Haakon er en lidenskaplig United-fan. Top red.


  1. Rodney
    13 november 2009 @ 21:17 | #1

    Hva med denne – dagens reality:
    http://www.sportinglife.com/football/news/story_get.cgi?STORY_NAME=soccer/09/11/13/manual_181459.html&TEAMHD=soccer

    Tevez confesses that, despite his young age, he thinks about hanging up his boots for club and country in order to rest and spend time with his family.

    He said: «It’s complicated, there’s my family, the desire to return to Boca Juniors, but I think about it. It crosses my mind to hang up my boots if we win the World Cup, although I have a contract (with City) until 2014.

    «I’m a bit tired of so much football. I want to enjoy my family a bit. I’m very keen to stop and get a bit of calm. I’ve already won a lot. Living for football has saturated me.»

    Fikk ikke nok spilletid i United – nå har han fått nok penger. LOL

  2. Haakon
    13 november 2009 @ 21:31 | #2

    Lol! Her kan man lese hva city-fansen mener om han: http://www.bluemoon-mcfc.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=147828

    Denne er ikke så værst den heller:
    http://tomloz.co.uk/pictures/football/Barclaysprem.JPG

  3. Vegard
    13 november 2009 @ 22:13 | #3

    Et halvt år i City så har han fått nok… hehehehe..

  4. AVJ
    13 november 2009 @ 22:32 | #4

    Fyren har vært en klovn og idiot hele tiden. Er så utrolig glad for at tullingen havnet i Man City. De fortjener hverandre.

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